CO-VID19, Mental Health, Updates…

Hey guys! Welcome back! Or, If you’re new here- Welcome.

I don’t blog often, so when I do, my 3-5 followers rejoice. I also am really bad about updating this, but maybe, just maybe, we start something here.

So, since my last blog, I have turned 34, Corona has hit, We have all been on house arrest, life has changed, and we need to re-connect.

 

If, like me you struggle with anxiety- Corona has been a literally nightmare for you. To quote my favorite snowman ” We are calling this, Controlling what we can when things feel out of control”, and that pretty much sums up the fact that I’ve been drinking more wine than usual. I also have Hashimotos Disease and guess what?!?! Stress can bring on a flare up- so there’s double the stress, add to that fatigue, break outs, mood swings, and a general sense of doom and you’ve got yourself a hard to handle Holly. But, because that’s not quite enough, lets add to that list. I was struggling last week. Like struggling to the point that I had to take a nap on my lunch hour on the two days I worked. Fatigue is real people. Anyway, I called the Doctor and did a Tele-medicine appointment ( hello 2020) I told her my issue, my thyroid is giving me fits- so she says “Lets check your levels- come in for blood work”, so I do that. Guess what- I’m now diabetic! Hooray! So there’s that. Which is another thing to learn about, another medication to take ( but not within an hour of the thyroid meds), and luckily, I get to follow mostly the same diet that controls my Hashi’s.

I promise I’m not complaining.

I did this to myself, sort of. Genetics have some to do with it, but when you work yourself like I do, you sometimes ( always) forget to eat, so when midnight rolls around you eat something carby and go to bed. Habits make the world a better place. So I am learning some new ones. I know how to eat healthy, and I know I should eat small meals often, Its the execution I have to work on. I know that God gave me this body to live in and take care of, and that’s what I intend to start doing.

But lets move on to Covid 19. For all of us who lived through 9-11, we remember it as a day when the entire world stopped, and when we got up the next day, our world had changed forever. I feel like that about Covid 19, I wasn’t worried about it before, I wasn’t taking it seriously, I was like most people, but when it started changing my day- to day life I woke up and realized that this is serious. I feel like when things start opening back up, we are going to feel like we did Post 9-11, there will be a new feeling of normal. I don’t think you can go through something like this without it changing you some.  I have a favorite scripture and its so fitting in this time.

John 16:33  (NIV)

³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

 

I remember the 3rd or 4th time I read through the Gospel of John and I read those words, they must have been where the lord was leading me that day because I read – “Take Heart, I have Overcome the world” and I cried my little heart out. I think of this scripture when I feel displaced in the world, I think of it when outside forces over take me and make me panic. He has OVERCOME the world. I read this and I remember that Jesus will get me through anything, even a pandemic.

Mental Health- As I said before, if you’re anything like me you struggle with anxiety. For me, at times is crippling. I watched my Step-Grandmother, have “Nerve Problems” most of my life. I watched my own Mother struggle with depression, anxiety, social anxiety, and I always promised myself I would not be that person. I would not fear going out in public, would not fear going to the grocery store, parties, carnivals, festivals, traveling, etc. And I fight it. There are times I force myself to go out in public. There have been times I have forced myself to go on a mini vacation with just me, just to get out of my comfort zone, but with the Pandemic forcing all of us inside, calling a halt to spring time activities, and just in general making life miserable, I have found myself having more and more panic attacks. I literally couldn’t leave my room 2 weeks ago I was having so much anxiety.

So I called my doctor. I have meds for panic attacks as needed, but I needed something else. I wasn’t sleeping. I was awake for hours at night and waking up early the next day, starting the whole thing all over again. She prescribed me something else, and I am very grateful, Its not a solution to the problem long- term, but I am fully in support of dealing with what you can, in a healthy way, I know this isn’t forever, but for now, my anxiety is under control.

I feel like, as Christians, there is such a stigma attached to talking about Mental Health / Anxiety. Because we have Jesus, and don’t forget, ” The bible says 365 times not to worry”. And for me it’s like, ” Thank you Karen, but this is not normal “Worry””. This is all encompassing, heart racing, lungs collapsing, hands shaking, stomach churning stress and worry over something you literally cannot pinpoint. You cannot shake it off. You cannot just remember that the Bible says not to worry and make it stop. You can however, surrender it to Jesus every day, every hour, every minute that it effects you. For me, medication, self- care, and Jesus all work  hand- in hand. I remember what the Bible says, and I, thankfully have a support system to help me. To stop what they are doing and just pray me through it. To quote scripture over me and my home.

I remember that even Jesus, in the Garden of Gethsemane, was human, and even though he knew the outcome, knew what was going to happen, he still prayed ” ^{39 …} O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.”. 

So when I feel doubt, fear, anxiety. I remember that my heavenly Father sent his son to earth not only to die for MY sins, but also to experience and understand Human emotions. He is out intercessor. He understands.

 

That’s just an update on my life. That’s just me being as real as possible. I hope you are all well, thriving inside as much as you can. Being Healthy and Staying safe.

 

Love and Hugs ❤

Holly Lynn

I feel like I’m always saying this…

But, Its been a while- and by a while… I mean a long while. But- What are you gonna do?

Lately, I have felt very… uninspired. I didn’t want to write, I didn’t know what was going on with me.  I have begun journaling, privately, and I can tell you, its been life changing. Its not only been an emotional outlet, but its been a great way to monitor my physical health as well. Through journaling, I have started feeling a pull towards writing again. So, I decided to start the ole blog back up and see what happens, it’s more about my journey than anything else.

Changes:

On March the 3rd I woke up with a horrendous migraine that ended up sticking with me until May 7th. I don’t know if you have ever experienced a migraine before, but let me tell you, 2+ months of a migraine and you’re willing to try ANYTHING to get rid of it. I had zero headache free days in those 2 months- ZERO. I had also been experiencing more Hashimotos flares during this time. ( If you don’t know what Hashi’s is, Keep reading- or Google)- Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, also known as chronic lymphatic thyroiditis, is the most common cause of hypothyroidism in the United States. It is an autoimmune disorder in which antibodies directed against the thyroid gland lead to chronic inflammation- and here’s the kicker- It effects everyone differently. For me, I get lethargic- my energy levels drop, I don’t want to move, I don’t even want to think, washing my hair is exhausting, and getting dressed requires resting after putting on half my clothes, so when I say lethargic, I mean I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I also get depressed, have muscle aches so bad I can barely get out of bed in the morning, I crave sugar, and I battle with constipation so bad that I will go literal WEEKS without going. Those, are MY biggest symptoms, but like I said, it effects everyone differently.

So, during this time, I was having a flare that lasted about a week, twice a month, I was attempting to control it through my med’s and my diet ( Hello Gluten Free), and nothing was working. I was miserable, grumpy, bloated, depressed, and feeling like I was in my own personal version of hell. That’s when God sent me an angel, a friend of mine sent me a message and told me about an alternative form of “therapy” that had really helped him. I called Valerie and my life changed. He was absolutely right. The day after my first session, my migraine was gone- and I haven’t even had so much as a headache since, within 2 weeks, I was able to kick my 3+ soda/ day habit- cold turkey, now, 2 months in, soda is a RARE treat that I allow myself. I have suffered ONE hashi’s flare in 3 months y’all- one. when I was having them 2 times / month. Its been such an incredible transformation. I have more energy, I’m sleeping better, my symptoms are more controlled, my body aches are gone, and the list just goes on and on and on with the improvements my body has undergone.

 

Re-Direction

I feel like, in the past, with this blog, if I hadn’t gone through something that gave me serious spiritual insight, then I had nothing to write about, but now I feel like, my spiritual journey is only one part of the journey that God has me on. I am growing and changing and learning something new everyday. God is teaching me different lessons everyday. Why would I only blog about the big things? I should document my entire life’s journey… So that’s where we’re going to do.

 

Hope y’all enjoy!

 

Love and Hugs <3,

Holly

 

The letter I’ve never sent

Forgiveness. I have literally touched on this in almost every past post, because it is honestly and truly something I struggle with… every day.

I wrote a post a while ago about accepting an apology that you never get. While I still believe in what I wrote, I’d like to say in this post, that sometimes, you don’t NEED to even accept it. Sometimes you have been so hurt, so distorted, so changed by someone else’s actions, that accepting their apology would be laughable. It would be doing a disservice to yourself. Sometimes, I believe, you have to forgive and then FORGET.

Accepting an apology, letting the person know that you forgive them, that you accept what they’ve said and you are willing to still let them be a part of your life, is absolutely great, if they add value to your life. On the flip side, you don’t have to accept an apology or keep a toxic person in your life, in order to forgive them.

I have had numerous “Toxic” People in my life. From Friendships, to Family, to Personal relationships, and in my late 20’s I started to notice a pattern… I am a fixer. I am the person who can look past all your flaws, see the beauty underneath them, and I can help you become a better version of yourself. The only thing is, its going to physically, emotionally, and mentally DRAIN ME. I am going to get physically ill when I cant control your blow ups, I am going to cry and yell, and I’m going to withdraw into myself, because I cant actually fix you, then, I’m going to let you go, you might be improved, but it will come at a cost to ME.

We all know that recognizing and admitting that you have a problem is the first step in overcoming it. I recognized this pattern in my life, I have tried to avoid it, and yet, I fall into it, every stinking time. Its an inerrant need inside of me. Its something I cant control, its a mothering nature that comes out in me, its because I try to look past imperfections and see the good person underneath…. its because I’m a frigin Pisces and its what we do. So I tried to stop. Then I tried again, and again and again and again.

Then I met a man, lets call him Max, there was NOTHING I needed to fix for him. He was mature, educated, funny, responsible, didn’t have a prison record, no kids, and was fun to be around. And I freaked ( Internally). At first it was great, but after a while, I couldn’t handle that there was nothing that he needed me for. I questioned myself everyday because he could and would ( and did eventually again), live WITHOUT me. He didn’t need to cling to me. He didn’t NEED me.

I’m a pretty rational person, and I get it that that sounds a bit dramatic, but to me, being needed is like being wanted. Being unwanted means I’m unlovable, and being unlovable means I will end up alone. And to me, that’s scary.

But this post is about a letter, and I’m getting to that.

This is something I DO NOT talk about. I don’t mention it, I try to leave the room when it is mentioned, I avoid it, and I detest the way it makes me feel. It hurts me. It’s ugly. It makes me feel vulnerable and exposed and naked. So that’s why I’m going to talk about it.

I grew up with an amazing family. I had awesome men in my life. My Grandad was one of my favorite people to hang out with and I was his “Babydoll”. My uncles were THE BEST! My Mom’s twin is like 6’5″, and he would turn me upside down, hold my ankles, and walk me on the ceiling. My Oldest uncle would take me to his and my Aunts house in Virginia for a week at a time and we would swim and go to the zoo and have so much fun, and my Mom’s baby brother was like my Dad. He was proud of me, he nurtured me, he corrected me ( soap in the mouth for cussing), he taught me things. I had a whole cast of people who loved and cherished and wanted and frankly, adored me. But my cast was missing someone.

My biological parents divorced when I was about 3, but they separated when my Mom was pregnant with me. I never knew much about him, I went to stay with his parents now and then, he popped up in my life every so often, but he was never there for me. To this day, I don’t think he knows my birthday. He didn’t ever make it to plays, or games, or singing competitions, or pageants, or even my graduation ( which I begrudgingly invited him to). For anyone who doesn’t know what it feels like to be “Missing” a parent, it feels like this: One of the people who is supposed to innately love you- does NOT. So of course, there has to be something wrong with you. What are you missing? Why aren’t you pretty enough? I should be smarter, maybe if I make better grades. Maybe if I win THIS contest. Maybe if I make THIS team. On and on and on it goes until your an adult. Even though I have been so blessed with THE GREATEST ( AND I MEAN GREATEST)  Step- dad in the UNIVERSE, I am still messed up.

I still don’t trust that there isn’t something wrong with me. I still believe I have to be the absolute best at everything in order to gain approval. I learned a long time ago, that his approval actually means very little to me, but its the idea that something was WRONG with ME.

And I was wrong.

Twelve times in my adult life I have sat down and tried to write a letter to this man. This man who I only see at funerals, who can’t talk to me about anything more deep than the weather, who has never once inquired about my health, happiness, personal life or any other aspect, yet raised his step children better than his own. Twelve times I have tried and I have failed to feel that those letters said everything that I wanted them to. And the other night, in a moment of clarity and openness in my own mind, I sat, and I got it all out.  I wasn’t harsh, I wasn’t accusational, I wasn’t cruel. I said my peace, I wished him well, I prayed for him, I thanked him for letting my amazing Daddy ( Step- Dad) raise me, and I told him that I FORGIVE HIM. And I mailed it. Finally.

Because that’s what I need to do. I have to let go of the negative roll that his absence has caused my life. I have to let go of the idea that I some how need him to know the extent of the pain and emptiness that I felt MY ENTIRE LIFE. I have to forgive someone who doesn’t even realize what he did to me. And then, I have to LET HIM GO. I don’t need or want a relationship with someone who was so callus with my feelings. I don’t need that toxic person popping in and out of my future children’s lives. I don’t need to contact him, I don’t need to see him. I get to choose where it goes from here. And I choose to be free of that burden and happy and fulfilled in my life.

I’m not saying that what I’m doing will work for anyone other than me. What I am saying is that forgiveness is so important, even if it means you never speak to that person again and all you can do is pray that they find the love of Jesus, that is ENOUGH.

 

Love and Hugs and thanks for reading!

<3, Holly Lynn

After Flipping my Kayak at the END of the trip… Getting out of the boat!

 

 

Fearless….

Wow y’all! Two days in a row!! What is my world coming to?? Hopefully, good things.

Today, I wanna talk about fear.

I am literally the most scared, fearless person you will ever meet. EVER. I know that sentence doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense, but its true. I try so hard to be “Fearless”. If you ask me what I’m scared of, Ill tell you rodents and tornadoes, and that’s all I’ll admit to. But if I’m honest with myself, that’s not true at all.

I am scared EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking and praying, and trying to discern the voice of God in my life, and in that, I have discovered that I am truly terrified most of the time. Now, Im not talking about my anxiety, my anxiety that is so bad, I was up for HOURS last night thinking about everything from the bible, to how I should show more grace to rude people, to if I put something in the work computer incorrectly, to something I said in 11th grade that just randomly decided to haunt me in the middle of the night, and anxiety, is one of the biggest battles that I face, but anxiety is not fear.

My Fears are the deep dark worries that I hide from the world, that ignore myself, and I hope are never brought out into light. They are the demons I force down almost daily, they are my shame, my burden. AND I AM DONE. I am done carrying this burden alone. I am done being driven by fear, and I am done letting fear define who I am and what happens in my life. I am done hiding from my fears, and I am DONE letting people think I’m “Fine”.

I’m not going to list them out individually because you don’t have 27 hours to read this. But I am going to give you the top three, not so that you feel sorry for me, not so that you feel like I’m begging for attention, but I am going to share them with you because they are my truth. And they have been a driving force in my life for too long.

Number 1:  I am worthless

Without going into my issues ( I have more than vogue), I will tell you that this is a genuine fear for me, and it is the make up of who I am as a person. This is my driving force, this is why I struggle in the areas that I struggle with, and this is the underlying issue behind all the others. I fear being looked at as though I have no value. I FEAR that people wont see my worth if I am not “Winning”. All of my life, I have been number one. I have always gotten what I wanted, if I really wanted it. I have always had the tenacity to go after what I wanted and usually, it was a short lived victory, because I would just find something else I wanted, and I’d go be number one at that. Also, I am THE WORST loser you will ever find. EVER. If I don’t win First, I’m mad, If I don’t win First, I take it out on myself, I berate myself and I wonder why I even decided to participate, and this is a quality that I HATE  in myself. But it stems from a feeling of worthlessness that all the love in the world ( and believe me, I had it) could never take from me, until I started to love myself. LOVE MYSELF. Like Jesus does. I have THE GREATEST family in the world, you don’t leave a room without someone telling you they love you. There were always lots of hugs, discipline to show you boundaries, but never over board, Laughter, and always a listening ear, but let me tell you, NONE OF THAT MATTERED. I was cherished and loved and hugged and encouraged to do whatever I put my mind to, and I still thought so low of myself that I couldn’t keep my head above water, where this came from… I know, but that’s another story, the point is, that through figuring out that no matter what I did, Jesus would love me, I started loving myself, and this fear, though I battle it daily, its getting smaller.

 

Number 2: I will never be a mom

This one isn’t a long standing one like number 1, it’s one that I fairly recently discovered. I didn’t realize it was important to me, until it hit me one day that I’m almost 33, I’m unmarried, and biologically, time is getting shorter. I know there’s still time. I know we have made huge strides medically, but really, until Paisley entered my life, I didn’t realize how AMAZING it is to watch this little person grow into someone that you are molding them to be. I didn’t realize that it’s a desire I’ve had since I was a kid. I didn’t know how Important it was to me. After a routine doctor appointment yesterday, I broke down for 45 minutes. What if I can’t have kids? What if there is something wrong with me? What if I never get the experience of having someone call me “Mamma”? My doc assured me I’m fine, but its still real to me. It’s a fear I’m trying to overcome, but this is changing the way I see the world.

 

Number 3: I am ugly

This is the one where I know people will roll their eyes. This is the one that makes me seem vain and self absorbed. This is the one I feel the least validation on. This is a huge one for me. It isn’t about my weight. It isn’t about my imperfect teeth. It isn’t about how long or short my hair is. It isn’t really even about my face. But I literally have a crippling fear  that what I see in the mirror is different than what you see when you look at me out in the world. I fear that my soul is ugly, and that others can see that I’m sometimes judgmental, sometimes angry, sometimes impatient, sometimes edgy. I fear that my eyes will tell you how much pain I hold inside some days. How much anguish anxiety causes me. How panicked I am at just being in an aisle at Walmart with 6 other people. I fear that my nose is too crooked, my teeth too yellow, my eyebrows too bushy, I fear that everything I see is a lie. And I fight this every. single. day. I have to wake up and tell myself that the girl in the mirror, shes a rock star. She is the keeper of the band aids for Paisley, shes the logical one of all of her mothers children, shes the keeper of knowledge of Grams Medical history, shes funny, shes clumsy, shes a mess, and that all of those things and the rest of the things that make up who she is, they are what make her beautiful. That her flaws are part of it. And that its okay to not be perfect.

 

Though these are just 3 little fears that I have to overcome daily, there are a TON more. There are the irrational fears ( no a mouse is not going to get in your bed, bite you and give you Aids), there are the small ones ( Did I forget that email?), the big ones ( Ill never be a homeowner ), and they all add up to me not letting God have control of my life. And as I said, I am done. Fear will no longer be my driving force, I am not going to be afraid to show my face without make up, my scars,  or the uglier parts of me anymore. I am exactly the person God meant for me to be RIGHT NOW. And fear is not of God.

The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come that you may have life, and have it abundantly. – John 10:10

Live abundantly. Live fearlessly. Stop letting fear make your decisions, push you into things, and change who you are.

 

Love and Hugs Y’all. Please read the caption at the bottom of the photo.

 

Holly Lynn ❤

Normally, I’d have deleted this picture, shes a blur, my arm fat is showing, and I am caught totally off guard. But there is so much beauty in this to me. She is having a ball, I’m loving playing and laughing with her, this is how she sees me. This is how my family sees me. And I will embrace it.

 

Let me be real here…

Hello all, this may be long, it might end up being short, but mostly, I want to say, thank you for reading. I know its been a while. I lost my way. I let life get in my way, and I forgot about the MOST important things. So here’s an update.

For those of you who don’t know me personally, let me tell you something about the journey I’ve been on for the last 11 months, I’ve been paying off debt. One Card, one bill, one payment at a time. I’ve been working non-stop. I’m tired. I’m grumpy. I’m TERRIFIED. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t get married until I got all my debt paid off, now, I’m not even seeing anyone so, marriage is a ways a way to say the least. But it’s a promise I made myself, and I think my subconscious is not letting me even feel like I can seriously date someone until I reach this goal. And I thought I’d be done in a year. Now, It’s looking like a year and a half… and I HAVE to be okay with this. I HAVE to accept this. I CANNOT allow myself to feel like a failure, because honestly, I’ve kicked butt, and I am trying everyday to spend smarter, save more, re-use more, and shop smarter. And I’m getting there.

So onto my personal life… There isn’t one. I find dating in my generation very tiresome. I think I’m just too open about my feelings, too aware of what I need, and too old to play games. I’m impatient, Patience is a virtue and God did not bless me with it, so games, and holding back so he likes you more, and not texting first… it wears me out. It exhausts me mentally. I’ve also been on a very self-aware journey lately.  Back in May, through some major self-reflection I discovered something that I don’t like very much about myself… I have a tendency to only date people I KNOW in my deepest heart, that I don’t want to be with in the long run. This has resulted in my hurting some people who got attached to me, this resulted in me running from every single relationship I’ve had over the last TEN years. And from the moment I discovered this, I STOPPED it.

My God- Mother pegged me when I was 14 years old, she said “You keep everyone at arms length, including God, and you don’t let people REALLY see you.”…. at the time, this stung me. I didn’t understand how right she was and I didn’t realize that this was going to follow me for the next 18 years… I didn’t realize that what she was saying was “You need to tear down the walls that you’ve had since you were a kid… you need to let people know and love you”.

To anyone I have hurt, I am truly and deeply sorry. I didn’t do this to you knowingly, I didn’t realize why I was behaving the way I was. And I am trying to forgive myself and I hope you can forgive me as well. So since, this discovery, when I meet someone, If I know they aren’t for me, I wish them luck and wish them well and I walk away, because after identifying an issue it is YOUR responsibility to change the behavior, I didn’t know it before, but I know it now. So I lay my cards on the table. I look at myself and I know the things I need, the qualities I want in a partner, and keep waiting, knowing that God has the right person out there.

Wow, where do we go after that? Well lets get to my relationship with Jesus. I spent A LOT of my adult life so angry with God that I couldn’t see straight. I blamed God for taking people from me, and then, I turned to him… I am not now nor will I ever be a perfect Christian, or even a good example of one. But I try every day to love like Christ loved, to show compassion and understanding, and to pray and talk to God. This is a relationship that should be fundamental for someone who was raised in the home that I was, yet I find myself struggling to let go of control, and give my life over to God and let him help me. This is an issue I could talk about for hours, but as this is an update, Ill save that for another post.

 

I’ve tried hard to be honest in every post I’ve written. I will strive to be even more so from this point forward. Life is messy. It’s ugly. It hurts. Some months you cry more than you smile.. but then you get up, you dust your pants off and you try again, and that’s the real beauty of it. Life is the moments that hurt. Its the minutes that tick by so fast you don’t know where they went. It’s in the fleeting, happy romances that don’t last long enough but teach you something you’d have never known otherwise. A favorite quote of mine is from “Letters to Juliet”- “Life, is the messy bits”.

 

So embrace your chaos, learn from your mistakes, pray everyday, and if you’re a woman, read “Girl Wash Your Face”- Im on chapter 3 and I’ve cried most of the way through it.

 

God Bless ❤

 

Holly Lynn

My VERY FAVORITE Girl!

Redeemed

So a little back story. A few years ago ( okay, so maybe it was 10ish) I had an experience that changed my life. Scared me to death, and yet still didn’t lead me to come back to Christ. Every time I drive by a certain place, I remember that girl that I used to be. I remember my life and the way I was choosing to live it. I remember it with shame and regret.

So yesterday, My sweet Grandma and I went to Morgantown, WV for some appointments for her. We had a wonderful time together as always. On the way home though, as we passed by that place, I was filled with the same feelings. I remember that experience in vivid detail, and I remember that God sent me an angle to help me that night.

I guess I got kind of quiet after that and she started asking about plans for this upcoming Easter weekend. I told her that I have to be up super early to sing as a guest at a Sunrise Service for a church that we sometimes visit. She asked me what I planned to sing and I told her “Here, Ill play it for you.” So I played Big Daddy Weave’s “Redeemed”.

As I listened to the words, I felt like God was speaking to me…

“Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
Stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off theses heavy chains
And wipe away every stain NOW I’M NOT WHO I USED TO BE
I am redeemed”

I’m not who I used to be. God was showing me that I am no longer THAT person. I’ve been redeemed, I’ve been forgiven. I’ve been saved by his grace and I never have to feel shame over my past or my past decisions. They are forgotten. My chains have been broken.

Gram interrupted my thoughts and said “Ya know, I wonder how many people sing this and don’t even understand what Redemption really is?”

And I had to fight back tears. I just looked straight ahead and said “I do.”.

My point is that The shame of our past doesn’t have to rule our lives. Our pasts have no place in our present. Jesus’ sacrifice has removed all of that from us. And I am so thankful that I am redeemed.

❤ hugs

Holly Lynn

My Beautiful Mamma and I at a Painting Party!!! Shes ageing well… Hope I got that gene!

Less is more…

My Mom and I love watching Pastor Mike Todd from Transformation Church on YouTube. We sit down in her living room, I work the Roku and get us some good new from Jesus. And we love it.

A few weeks ago we were watching the Sermon Series on “Striding, not striving”, and we were posed the question “Can you live with less?”. Well, this got my busy little brain going, and I’ve been working on cleaning things out, eliminating junk, going through life and trying to live with less stuff, and for me less jobs. But I’ve also been trying to add this to my personal and spiritual life as well.

Can I live with less? Less what?

Well, I’ve attempted to blog about 30 times… and it all felt like too much of me and my opinions and my life, and not enough of God and what HE has to say. So can I live with less of me and more of him? Can I live with less gossip, less judgment, less hatred, less social media, less of what I want and more of what he wants? Can I apply it to myself that I need more Bible time and Less Facebook time. Can I stop pinning and start PINING for Gods presence in my life? Should I walk away from places and people that pull me farther from what God wants for me and start holding tighter to those who make me accountable for my actions and keeping only those things which build HIM up?

YES.

We are taught over and over and over by today’s society that we have to be #1. That we have to be the best, that we have to show everyone who’s boss, that we have to be busy and focused on what the world wants and what it says we should have…. and all those things really do, is lead us away from the one who can supply our every need.

 

So for me, yes, less is more. I want you to look at me and say, I don’t even see Holly. I don’t see the person she was without Christ. I don’t see the sinner, the drinker, the angry woman who was once there. I see someone who is covered by Grace. Who is working on her life by becoming closer and leaning more on the one who made her.

 

Don’t look at ME. Look at JESUS.

 

So I challenge you. If you’re reading this, Stop what you’re doing. Breathe, pray, and take a break from all the distractions, replace them with Jesus. See if your life doesn’t change.

 

Love y’all!!!!

<3, Holly Lynn

 

(P.S. That Foxy 81 year old beauty queen is my sweet Grandma)

“God is bigger than the boogey man…”

” Hes’s bigger than Godzilla, or the Monsters on TV, oh God is bigger than the Boogey man and he’s watching out for you and me!” – Veggie Tales

 

My mom literally sings that to Paisley all the time and Paisley loves it! Okay ya’ll, so I KNOW, I haven’t posted in a REALLLYYYYY long time. And honestly, I have no excuse.  I wasn’t making time for God like I should have been. And it wasn’t until the first of this year that I really slowed down and noticed it.

I ended 2017 sick as a dog. I didn’t leave my house for 9 days straight and I was basically just miserable, but it forced me to slow down, to stop, and it gave me time away from all my distractions to realize how much I was really missing.

2018 started out and has continued to be a struggle. One thing after another came falling down on my head. My stress, my worry, my LIFE was out of control. And in a moment of pure desperation, I realized that GOD was becoming my last call instead of my first one. I was faced with a situation that was so far beyond my control that it scared me to my core. I went back to church, I laid my problems at the feet of Jesus and I haven’t looked back.

Before I knew it, that problem was resolved, and it was so easy, God created a way where I couldn’t see one. When I felt the most desperate, God looked at me and said “Come back to me… I will take away your burdens” and he did, he always does.

And I’ve realized that it wasn’t my belief in God that was faltering, it was my reliance, it was my faith. I wasn’t looking to God for everything, just the things that were beyond my control, and I don’t mind telling you that I’m ashamed of myself for that.

God should be the first person on our call list. He’s a first responder, not a last resort. Does it take faith? Yes. Does it take relinquishing control of your own life? Absolutely! Is it frightening? Yes, but it shouldn’t be. God has shown me OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again that he is going to come through for me. So on what grounds do I dare doubt him.

My troubles just keep coming at me, but I have had confirmation by more than one person that God is letting things come against me so that he can rescue me. So that HE receives the glory. So many times I try to be my own hero. I try to almost hide the fact that I’m human  and that I have problems. I try to let the world see me as a happy-go-lucky type person who’s always there to listen, but I never need anyone else to do that for me, and that’s just untrue.

I need God. And I need him daily. I struggle with my faith, sometimes DAILY. I hurt, I get angry, I cry, and I fall… and God is the driving force that makes me get up and keep going, who keeps me full of faith when I feel like I don’t have an once left, he’s who fills me with joy and peace when there seems to be no peace or joy to be found. He is my comfort, my rock, and the place I always come back to. I hope I stop leaving. I hope I stop leaning on myself and realize that God has to be the absolute and total center of my world. That yes, maybe people will think I’m some sort of fanatic who leans on Jesus for everything, and I honestly, hope that they do feel like that. I hope that they see that without Jesus I am NOTHING, that I literally can’t even walk without him.

If you’re struggling with faith I want you to know that all you have to do is just pray and hold on a little longer. God is coming through for you. You may not get the answer that you are seeking but God is going to deliver something great from your burdens. Give them to him. Relinquish that control. Surrender your life to him and watch him make the changes. He’s never going to let you down.

 

 

XOXOXOX Love and Hugs ya’ll!

<3, Holly Lynn

 

 

 

I once was lost… But now, I’m found…

I guess everyone has been where I’ve been recently. Too caught up in the life we live right now to see that there is a world beyond the one we inhabit right now. Too caught up in working, in dating, in problems that life hands us, too BUSY to notice that I have backed up from the one thing in my life that is the most necessary.

I read a meme one time that said ” If God is Distant, guess who moved…” I think about this ALL THE TIME when I pray and feel like I cant feel God or his presence or even feel like my prayers aren’t getting anywhere.  I know that its me. I know that I moved. I know that I started backing off of God when I stopped feeling his presence as strongly in my life, I know that I let other things become more important. I know that I let problems differences and issues come between me and my relationship with God. And that is completely, totally, 100% my fault.

So I’ve been praying, despite not feeling God there when I pray, despite not feeling as though my prayers go up any higher than the roof of my car, I have been praying.  I know that I am the one who has to seek him. I know that its me who has to find whatever it is that I lost, I have to go after my faith and hold onto it with all that I have. I know that I have to re-evaluate my life and start putting God first again.

I wasn’t sure where this blog was going to lead me. I just knew that I hadn’t posted anything in a long time, and maybe, if I’m struggling, some of you are too.

In our area we recently lost one of the most amazing young women I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Her faith, as well as her families faith,  through everything was solid. She is and should be an inspiration to all who knew her. Her passing has caused me to look closer at my life, would I come through as pure gold as she did? Would my faith be enough to take me through that trial?  Would yours?

 

Job 23: 8 & 9  describes how I’ve been feeling – 8: Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward but I cannot perceive him: 9: On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot find him; he hides himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him.

Job 23: 10 describes how I hope the Lord sees me, and definitely how he saw Miranda- 10: But he KNOWS THE WAY I TAKE, After he has tried me, I shall COME FORTH AS PURE GOLD.

 

In Loving Memory of Miranda Shae Maxwell.

 

Day 4

I struggle to know exactly what I want sometimes. But I guess to be more accurate, I struggle to EXPRESS what I want. I always cry when I’m angry and its one of the things I dislike most about myself. My eyes being attached to my emotions makes me feel vulnerable. People think I’m hurt when I’m not. Nut anyway… back to the not being able to express what I want thing.

I always feel kind of selfish when I say “I want to do this”. Its such a simple statement and one that most people are able to say without fearing that they might unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings… but not me. I get an OVERWHELMING feeling of fear and anxiety that someone will take my wants as being selfish. It can be anything from “I want to read alone in my room this evening” to “I want to move away”… anything that I want I fear.

I also have been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately. And I HATE IT that I like to have others approval. Sometimes I have my moments when I just don’t care about what others say or think… most of the time I’m one big ball of exposed nerves that fears another’s anger or disappointment.

How do I get past these things? I don’t have the answer but I’m working on it. Today I feel like I made a step in the right direction from my Day one thoughts… I tried on about 3 different outfits… I didn’t feel comfortable in any of them… rather than get frustrated or wear something I didn’t feel good in just because I was short on time… I calmed myself down before I could think of a negative thought about myself or my body… and I changed everything… I came away with an outfit that’s not glamorous but for today at least, I feel comfortable enough in my own skin to make it through the work day…. small goals ladies… small goals. Just stopping myself from thinking the words” I hate my body” gave me enough confidence to smile as I walked out the door, big rainy-day hair and all. I don’t have to strive for perfection each day. I have to strive for happiness each day.

Someday’s you have your make-up done to PERFECTION, Someday’s you wear yoga pants to work… sometimes they are the same day… its called balance!

Love ya!

Holly Lynn!