This year, I have set so many goals for myself. Goals to prosper, goals to change things, goals to help my future.
Last night I prayed so hard for an answer… I hoped it would come in my dreams but alas… it didn’t. So I’m leaning on the reflection that I’ve been having about my life lately. I need God. I need myself. And most of all… I need the people I love.
I have always felt unsettled, dissatisfied with my life. Like Tucker was never where I wanted to end up. Like I was missing something if I didn’t have this great big life. But honestly? Whats wrong with being ordinary? Whats wrong with saying…”Its not glamorous, its just a small place with people who genuinely care about one another”. Nothing. Why has it never seemed to be enough for me? I don’t know. But I know that right now, its where I need and want to be.
I have struggled with my career since I got laid off, I have felt out of step, constantly struggling to be happy with my work, and completely stressed out. After a lot of reflection I have realized that I am in the middle of some big life changes, they aren’t easy, but they are mine… and I’m going to own them. I’m no longer going to be ashamed that I work at a store. I work. I am able to pay for the things I need and the things I want. It may be harder than it used to be, but it’s honest work. And I am proud of my willingness to do it.
I am single. I am childless. And right now, I’m okay with that. I love kids. I love babies, but I want those things when I’m at a place that I can enjoy them and be ready for them. I don’t want them rushed, I want them, just like the rest of my life to be earned.
I have to stop comparing. I have to stop looking at other peoples lives and not thinking that because I’m not in the same place, that there must be something wrong with me. I have to love the place I’m in. The skin I’m in. I have to love the things about myself that I hide from the rest of the world.
So today I am changing the game. I don’t want to play anymore. But if life is a game, its one I’m going to win.
Let’s see how this goes,