I struggle to know exactly what I want sometimes. But I guess to be more accurate, I struggle to EXPRESS what I want. I always cry when I’m angry and its one of the things I dislike most about myself. My eyes being attached to my emotions makes me feel vulnerable. People think I’m hurt when I’m not. Nut anyway… back to the not being able to express what I want thing.
I always feel kind of selfish when I say “I want to do this”. Its such a simple statement and one that most people are able to say without fearing that they might unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings… but not me. I get an OVERWHELMING feeling of fear and anxiety that someone will take my wants as being selfish. It can be anything from “I want to read alone in my room this evening” to “I want to move away”… anything that I want I fear.
I also have been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately. And I HATE IT that I like to have others approval. Sometimes I have my moments when I just don’t care about what others say or think… most of the time I’m one big ball of exposed nerves that fears another’s anger or disappointment.
How do I get past these things? I don’t have the answer but I’m working on it. Today I feel like I made a step in the right direction from my Day one thoughts… I tried on about 3 different outfits… I didn’t feel comfortable in any of them… rather than get frustrated or wear something I didn’t feel good in just because I was short on time… I calmed myself down before I could think of a negative thought about myself or my body… and I changed everything… I came away with an outfit that’s not glamorous but for today at least, I feel comfortable enough in my own skin to make it through the work day…. small goals ladies… small goals. Just stopping myself from thinking the words” I hate my body” gave me enough confidence to smile as I walked out the door, big rainy-day hair and all. I don’t have to strive for perfection each day. I have to strive for happiness each day.
Someday’s you have your make-up done to PERFECTION, Someday’s you wear yoga pants to work… sometimes they are the same day… its called balance!