Hello all, this may be long, it might end up being short, but mostly, I want to say, thank you for reading. I know its been a while. I lost my way. I let life get in my way, and I forgot about the MOST important things. So here’s an update.
For those of you who don’t know me personally, let me tell you something about the journey I’ve been on for the last 11 months, I’ve been paying off debt. One Card, one bill, one payment at a time. I’ve been working non-stop. I’m tired. I’m grumpy. I’m TERRIFIED. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t get married until I got all my debt paid off, now, I’m not even seeing anyone so, marriage is a ways a way to say the least. But it’s a promise I made myself, and I think my subconscious is not letting me even feel like I can seriously date someone until I reach this goal. And I thought I’d be done in a year. Now, It’s looking like a year and a half… and I HAVE to be okay with this. I HAVE to accept this. I CANNOT allow myself to feel like a failure, because honestly, I’ve kicked butt, and I am trying everyday to spend smarter, save more, re-use more, and shop smarter. And I’m getting there.
So onto my personal life… There isn’t one. I find dating in my generation very tiresome. I think I’m just too open about my feelings, too aware of what I need, and too old to play games. I’m impatient, Patience is a virtue and God did not bless me with it, so games, and holding back so he likes you more, and not texting first… it wears me out. It exhausts me mentally. I’ve also been on a very self-aware journey lately. Back in May, through some major self-reflection I discovered something that I don’t like very much about myself… I have a tendency to only date people I KNOW in my deepest heart, that I don’t want to be with in the long run. This has resulted in my hurting some people who got attached to me, this resulted in me running from every single relationship I’ve had over the last TEN years. And from the moment I discovered this, I STOPPED it.
My God- Mother pegged me when I was 14 years old, she said “You keep everyone at arms length, including God, and you don’t let people REALLY see you.”…. at the time, this stung me. I didn’t understand how right she was and I didn’t realize that this was going to follow me for the next 18 years… I didn’t realize that what she was saying was “You need to tear down the walls that you’ve had since you were a kid… you need to let people know and love you”.
To anyone I have hurt, I am truly and deeply sorry. I didn’t do this to you knowingly, I didn’t realize why I was behaving the way I was. And I am trying to forgive myself and I hope you can forgive me as well. So since, this discovery, when I meet someone, If I know they aren’t for me, I wish them luck and wish them well and I walk away, because after identifying an issue it is YOUR responsibility to change the behavior, I didn’t know it before, but I know it now. So I lay my cards on the table. I look at myself and I know the things I need, the qualities I want in a partner, and keep waiting, knowing that God has the right person out there.
Wow, where do we go after that? Well lets get to my relationship with Jesus. I spent A LOT of my adult life so angry with God that I couldn’t see straight. I blamed God for taking people from me, and then, I turned to him… I am not now nor will I ever be a perfect Christian, or even a good example of one. But I try every day to love like Christ loved, to show compassion and understanding, and to pray and talk to God. This is a relationship that should be fundamental for someone who was raised in the home that I was, yet I find myself struggling to let go of control, and give my life over to God and let him help me. This is an issue I could talk about for hours, but as this is an update, Ill save that for another post.
I’ve tried hard to be honest in every post I’ve written. I will strive to be even more so from this point forward. Life is messy. It’s ugly. It hurts. Some months you cry more than you smile.. but then you get up, you dust your pants off and you try again, and that’s the real beauty of it. Life is the moments that hurt. Its the minutes that tick by so fast you don’t know where they went. It’s in the fleeting, happy romances that don’t last long enough but teach you something you’d have never known otherwise. A favorite quote of mine is from “Letters to Juliet”- “Life, is the messy bits”.
So embrace your chaos, learn from your mistakes, pray everyday, and if you’re a woman, read “Girl Wash Your Face”- Im on chapter 3 and I’ve cried most of the way through it.
God Bless ❤